Category Archives: WTF?

Secretary of Late?

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Wow , I suck at blogging. I’m going to try and do a bit better – I miss the little blog.

In the meantime, I leave you with this.

This week I was watching the Nightly News with Brian Williams. He mentioned Secretary of State, John Kerry. I gasped and pointed at the screen because Brian never messes up. Never! And he didn’t even catch his mistake. He just carried on.

A few minutes later Rogers came in the room and I told him about Brian’s snafu. He just looked at me blankly. I thought maybe he didn’t understand. So I said, “it’s Hillary Clinton!? Duh.”

More blank stares.

Finally he broke the news to me. John Kerry is indeed Secretary of State. Y’all. Have I been in a coma? I did not have a clue. Not the slightest inkling.

Wonder what else I’ve missed.

XOXO,
Jenn

I Should Own You, Target

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I have about one bazillion updates for you — all exciting, of course — but must find time to sit down and download photos, etc.

In the meantime though, I’ll tell you about a fun little event that occurred at Target this weekend.

I went to Target on Sunday to return something and was in a hurry because I was trying to get to yoga in about half an hour. I was wearing these flip flops that I’ve had since college so ALL tread is gone from the bottoms of them. Also, right as I parked, it started pouring rain. You see where I’m going with this, right?

I ran in to Target, did my thing. No problem. As I was on my way out, I must have hit a puddle from someone’s umbrella or something, because 3…..2…..1 WIPEOUT. Holy moly. I did some version of the splits, except the tops of BOTH my feet hit the ground — the tops — and my right knee smacked pretty hard, too. I yelled something to the effect of “EEEEEE GAWD!” Just loud enough to get everyone within the front 1/3 of the store to turn and look in my direction.

One child pointed, laughed, then quickly slapped his hand over his mouth to prevent further embarrassment on my behalf. Too late, turd.

I executed this gymnastics feat directly in between two checkout lanes, and one of the clerks just turned and looked at me like, “are you freaking stupid? How did that happen.” Lady, I don’t know — but I guarantee you I couldn’t replicate it if I tried and neither could you. So, be impressed.

After brief, fleeting thoughts of “stay on the ground — roll around a lot and yell some more — ‘oh my neck! my back — it’s broken,’ — demand a $100 gift card for the emotional damage you’ve suffered,” I just stood up and got the hell out of there. Except I was afraid to run, or even quickly walk, after discovering my shoes are basically glorified ice skates, so I sort of hunched over to get a firm center of gravity and scooted all the way to the door. Also, not embarrassing.

I’m mostly fine — my pride was damaged the most — but yoga sure did hurt. I think I stretched more during my splits than in class.

Two days later, I have an awesome bruise on my knee and this sweet floor burn on the top of my right foot, which felt great running this morning. Not.

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I still love you, Target. Just don’t pull that crap again.

XOXO,
Jenn

Eggplant the Kitten

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Yesterday I was headed to lunch at the Farmer’s Market here in Nashville to meet my friend Alice. I was walking down the sidewalk from where I parked, and noticed up in the distance this tiny thing bounding down the sidewalk. I thought it was a bunny — it was so tiny and bouncy. Then, it darted under a car. I hurried up to the car and knelt down to see what it was, and it was a tiny, adorable, heartbreakingly precious kitten. It mewed (smaller than a meow) and hopped up into the car’s engine parts. Oh hell no. I wasn’t about to let this little nugget get piston slapped.

I laid on the ground (in a skirt) and shimmied halfway under this car. Two people asked if I was ok. ‘YEP! I’m cool. It’s a KITTEN!” They just hurried away — probably going to find security.

I coaxed it partly down and then pulled the little booger into my arms — fully prepared for it to eat my hand off. (After all, I live with Callie Cat, so fury is all I know). But it just looked up at me and mewed. (I think it said “mama?”) Then it licked my nose. I about fainted from cuteness.

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I called Alice to see where she was because she’s always wanted a kitten — and told her where to meet me. In the meantime, approximately 20 people walked by and told me “oh you’re done for now,” or similar. Yeah — I know. I also tried to give her away to several people, just in case Alice didn’t want her because I sure as heck wasn’t putting her back out on the cruel city streets.

I knew I couldn’t take her home though. Callie is an only child and just can’t be anything else. Let’s just say that if I brought the kitten home, she would be an only child again like five minutes later, because she would eat it for fourth meal.

Alice went in and got our lunch (after she too fell in love with kitten pants) and we had a picnic outside with the kitten. She played (the kitten, not Alice), ate some cheese off our pizza, part of an old chicken finger someone had dropped (and accidentally bit my finger — so I was pleased to find out last night that she didn’t have rabies), then she tuckered out and took a bath and a nap.

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Alice took her back to her office, thinking she’d at least foster her for a few days and then decide what to do for her full time. But her Executive Director fell in love with her too, and took the kitten home to her four-year-old daughter who is going to give her a good home. She already got checked out at the vet last night and got a clean bill of health. Just a few earmites.

P.S. — Alice and I decided since we’d found her at the Farmer’s Market, we should name her something vegetable-like. So I blurted out Eggplant, and it was set. Little kitten Eggplant.

However, I found out last night that the four year old who Eggplant is living with has renamed her “Sally.”

I’m not sure how I feel about this, and think she’ll always be an Eggplant deep down.

I woke up this morning and asked Rogers if he thought that Eggplant had a good first night in her new home. He just came over and hugged me. Bless him.

I’m such a crazy cat lady.

Best lunch at the Farmer’s Market ever, right Alice? :) Thanks for taking care of our kitten baby!

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XOXO,
Jenn

Two Feet of Personal Space on All Sides, Please

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Yesterday I was at the Nashville Farmer’s Market having lunch with some lovely girlfriends. We fanned out to go get our respective lunches (the Farmer’s Market has all sorts of different eateries in a food court area). I was standing in line to get a gyro, and these two women walked by. They both turned and stared at me — in a way that made me think they must think that they knew me, but I didn’t recognize them .

I looked away, then looked back and they were still staring. WHAT, what do you want.

I turned my full attention to the menu, and was suddenly startled as one of the women was standing RIGHT in my face. She grabbed my hands, in one of those creepy double handshakes (you know, that politicians are so fond of).

Except, her hands were more on top and bottom of mine — holding them rather than shaking them. She introduced herself, but I have no idea what she said because I was trying to figure out why she was holding my hands.

She said, “Honey. I would love to introduce myself to you.”

<<Oh goodness.>>

“I work for Mary Kay…”

<<Oh thank God.>>

“Let me stop you right there, ma’am. I have several friends who sell Mary Kay, so…..”

“Well, are they servicing you?”

<<We don’t hold hands if that’s what you mean.>>

“I don’t really use Mary Kay — but, if I did, I’m saying I already have a dealer.”

<<Pretty sure they don’t call them dealers, but maybe she’ll think I’m a shady seed and go away if I use the word “dealer.” >>

“Well, have you ever had a facial — your skin is beautiful.”

<<I’m sweating — oh lawd, why am I sweating?” >>

“Yeah — I guess so. YES. I’m good. Really, thank you.”

<<We’re still holding hands. How long has it been? Like 34 minutes?>>

“Alright then dear, well — here’s my card, just in case.”

<<She just dropped her card IN my purse. Like, I can’t even see it. It went to the bottom. I’ll find it in six months and have to relive this whole thing.>>

End Scene.

WHAT just happened? Is this why I couldn’t hack it in Aflac sales? Because I missed the course on hand molestation tactics?

I’m normally not a nervous person, but combine the hand-holding with the fact that she was about 9 inches from my face the entire time she spoke, and I was ready to fake a seizure to get out of there.

Ah well. Sometimes you’re the creeper, sometimes you’re the creepee.

XOXO,
Jenn

What IS that?!

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Tonight Rogers and I were watching Biggest Loser on the DVR (while eating, of course) – and I paused it during a commercial to tell Rogers something. When I hit pause, it conveniently stopped on the below image (a preview for the new Celebrity Apprentice), and I started telling Rogers my important story.

However, Rogers just dropped his jaw in disbelief, stared at the TV and interrupted me by yelling, “What is that? WHAT IS THAT!?

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Jenn: “Well honey – that’s Clay Aiken.”

Rogers: “Is he MADE of Clay? What is WRONG with his FACE?!”

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TV these days is totally scary, y’all.

XOXO,
Jenn

I’m Gonna Taze You, Bro.

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Last night I went to the gas station before my Junior Chamber mixer. I was pumping gas and keeping one eye on all the sketchy characters milling about. I am a woman after all — and every man is out to rape or kill us, right? Thanks Dateline.

Then, this guy in a smallish pickup truck pulled up to the pump across from me. The truck was painted a lovely black and white camoflauge paint job. It was accessorized with skeletons painted on the back windows. Again, lovely.

He stepped out and I immediately thought he missed a good chance to be on Hillbilly Handfishin’ or something of the like.

I kept pumping gas, but noticed he had locked eyes on me and stopped dead in his tracks. Oh gawd.

So I turn my head towards him and make eye contact — and I kid you not, you can’t make this stuff up —  he starts whistling Tate’s whistling song from the show ”American Horror Story.” And never broke my stare and never smiled. And he whistled the WHOLE damn thing.

I know I just probably stood there with my mouth open, but in my head I thought, “I’m ’bout to taze you, bro.”

I just calmly quit filling my tank and walked to my driver’s side and got in the car as he wrapped up that cheerful diddy. And then I locked the door and shuddered so violently that I almost smacked my face on the steering wheel.

10 creepy points to you, good sir. That was creepy.

XOXO,
Jenn

 

Happy Tebowing

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I love Jesus, but that does not mean I have to like Tim Tebow. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t think they have to go hand in hand. I find Tebow highly annoying.

But nevertheless, this is funny.

Funny Christmas Season Ecard: I hope Tim Tebow's success has taught you to get with the winning religion this holiday season.

XOXO,
Jenn

Find What You Were Looking For?

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I think it’s time for another installment of “Why the heck would you Google that in the first place, and how did it land you on my blog?”

I love WordPress for its stats and analytics. I get a daily kick out of seeing what search engine terms people use to somehow wind up on my blog. So, here are some of the latest and greatest…and my commentary where relevant.

Santa wine binge (I intend to go on one of these around Christmas. Maybe Santa can join me).

Callie hunter

Skating makes my face sweat profusely (Me too, as does most normal cardio activity above a slow walk, but again, how did this lead you to my blog?)

Killed ducks

Boys named Brantley (Aw — I do post about my nephew Brantley a lot).

Bone breaks pictures for kids

What is red berries bears eat in Gatlinburg

Sorority and fraternity boyfriend and girlfriend sayings

Pizza-pie vending machine (if this doesn’t already exist, I hope whoever Googled it is inventing one right now).

WTF Chinese menu (agreed).

Gambling sweaters

Frigid wife bras (no words. Although I’m tempted to Google this myself and see if this is some new thing I don’t even know about yet).

Is my pants to pictures (I know you thought nobody would see this, but please speak English. Google probably sent you to my blog because it was so confused.)

How can I sell my townhome fast? (HA — I bet you were disappointed when you landed here, right? If you found anything helpful, please do pass it along).

How to say don’t talk to me in a fancy way (Um…you shalt nary speaketh another word unto me, good sir. Duh, and you’re welcome).

XOXO,
Jenn

Update — Sears Auto Major Fail

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I posted previously about Sears Auto totally ruining my car — remember? You can catch up on that saga here, if you so wish.

Well, I feel obligated and happy to report that after much griping and bitching on my part, the car is fixed.

Here’s the update from where I left off last.

The car continued to leak. Rogers put in probably 20+ hours working on it and sealing the cracks and damage in the bottom of the frame. He thought he’d fixed it, but then more water came through. Turns out, under the carpet in the car, there is some padding. UNDER that, is a rubber sound-deadening material. Well, the water was between the actual frame of the car and the rubber. We couldn’t dry it out without peeling that stuff up, which ruined it.

When we discovered this, I was on fire. Over it. Done.

I called Sears customer service line and spoke to someone who sounded like he actually had some sense. After I recounted the whole thing for him, and told him that the manager was convinced water was coming in the sunroof, yet he couldn’t recreate that – but he COULD recreate it coming in the bottom of the car – and still said it must be the sunroof – the guy on the phone said, “well what was his argument then? I don’t understand.” EXACTLY, sir.

Geeze. Anyways—he typed up my report and read it back to me. He said the protocol was to relay this report to the store manager. (GREAT). Then, I would have a chance to take it up another level to the District Manager, if I was still unsatisfied with the store manager’s response. I told him to go ahead and count on it.

Fortunately, the very next day the District Manager called my cell. The store manager was on vacation. He said I could bring it in to the store and they’d take a look – and I said that I worked 8-5, so it would have to be tomorrow (Saturday). He agreed to come in on Saturday.

So, Rog and I took it in and the shop manager (the one who is out with the mechanics on the floor) had been called in to witness this on his day off and was none to pleased about it. He wore his sunglasses the entire time he spoke with us. RUDE. Quite being such a tool. You’re inside.

They drove my car in the shop and all the mechanics gathered around to look at it. Ha. I think they’d seen the tweets/blog. I’m sure lovely things were being said about “the girl with the Eclipse.”

They put it on the lift and had us come out and show us how it was impossible that it could have happened from that lift. Rogers said “so, if this thing here swung over and hit this, it couldn’t have happened?” Um, actually yeah, they admitted, that was possible. And also, when I was here watching you work on my car, it wasn’t on this kind of lift. It was on THAT other kind of lift, across the floor. WTF?! Quit wasting my time.

So, “what do you want us to do?” they asked. Replace the carpet. All of it. And the rubber stuff that came up like wet cardboard.

Done. He said “we’ll also throw you some free oil changes.” Nice touch – because it’s the only way in hell I’d come back to Sears – and it definitely will be at a different location.

They ordered the carpet from Mitsubishi and called me a week later when it came in. I asked when I could drop the car off and have it installed and that shop manager said, “oh, you want us to put it in?” Yes sir. I realize it’s risky, since you may accidentally leave anchovies in my vents at this point, but YES YOU NEED TO INSTALL IT. My personal boyfriend mechanic is done fixing your messes.

Good news, they did spray it with water while we were there and Rogers’ handiwork held up just fine.

They installed the carpet and everything seems as good as new. The shop manager said he had to kill a colony of ants that had set up shop under the carpet. Really? I’m surprised there wasn’t a family of rainbow trout living in there given how much water was standing.

P.S. – I never saw those FREE OIL CHANGES, but it’s just as well. I’m really not interested in dealing with Sears ever again.

I do have to give a big shout out to the District Manager and the guy at the national customer service center for finally making it right. I do very much appreciate it – it’s just really sad it took so much begging and finagling to finally get it done. Most customers are only going to have interaction with that local, store manager and that’s unfortunate.

Alright – no more whining on the blog for a while. Until I post again, at least.

XOXO,
Jenn