The Time I did Judo in Sephora

I went in Sephora over the weekend, which means I was in Green Hills Mall on a Sunday afternoon. There are so many things wrong with that sentence already, I know. I was asking for it.

First thing first. I decided to fuel up on Starbucks as soon as I walked in the door, where I had to have a conversation in line with an old lady about personal space. Before you go thinking I’m picking on my elders, please understand that she literally had her boobs pressed into my back she was so close to me. I just politely turned and said “ma’am – would you like to go ahead of me? You seem to be in a hurry.” I fully expected her to mistake me for a smart aleck young whippersnapper and realize she was standing ON ME – but no, she just said “Oh thank you hun. That’s so nice.” Geeze Louise. She stepped around me to assault the girl in front of me. That minor setback was worth having her set out of my back, though.

After I got my Chai Tea Latte I headed for Sephora. I was on a mission for this particular lip balm that I had already researched and learned they carried. I NEVER go near Green Hills Mall without a set agenda and a clear, decisive mission. I park nearest to the entrance with the store I am seeking and am in and out in under 15 minutes every time (unless the Apple Store counts). Malls with stores like Tiffany, Louis Vuitton, Burberry, Tory Burch, etc. are no place for me to be browsing. Clear mission – target identified – execute – retreat.

I walked into Sephora and was not immediately swarmed by the sales staff. This is different. So I did a quick lap and did not see the lip balm. Dang it – I’ll have to ask someone. Of course, the one time you NEED help is when all 38 associates are busy.

Finally, near the “beauty bar” or whatever the makeover counter is called, a woman dressed in all black (slightly different from the other associates) asked if she could help me.

“YES – thank you. I am looking for Dr. Lipp’s lip balm.”

“Hmmmm. I don’t know. I don’t actually work here. We’re here with Dior. (she nods at her twin Dior-mate standing there).”

I know this trap. I once got suckered into trading my paycheck for some Tarte concealer just because their “rep” was in the store that day.

Red alert – retreat, retreat.

I backed up one foot into an actual Sephora sales associate. Dior #1 said, “This nice lady can help you.”

I was sweating for sure, by now. (Sweating is my reaction to almost every situation ever, but especially this one).

“Hi – I’m looking for this Dr. Lipp lip balm. Do you have it?”

Looks at my sample quizzically – “no – we don’t carry that.”

“Oh weird — your website says you do.”

“Well, sometimes we have things on the site that we don’t have in stores.”

I fully believe she just wasn’t familiar so that was going to be her go-to answer. But, nevertheless, I had to get out of there. No time to argue.

About that time Dior #1 speaks up and says “wait – what do you like so much about it? OUR lip balms and glosses may be just what you need.” Dior #2 nods enthusiastically.

“Oh, no thank you. I’m pretty devoted to this stuff. I’ll order it.”

And then the unthinkable happened. I went to step away, to the door – and Dior #1 grabbed my forearm in a firm wrist/arm lock, gave me a pull back toward her and said “WAIT. Just talk to me. TELL ME what you like about it.”

But I barely heard her because WHY ARE YOUR PERFECTLY MANICURED FINGERS GRIPPING MY ARM!?

Before I knew it I was executing a move similar to this one.

grabcr

Ok, it wasn’t THAT cool – but I instinctively did some twist move that wrestled my arm from her grip and left me holding HER arm, at a 90 degree angle while she yelped with surprise.

Dior #2 said “OH MY GAWD!”

I said “don’t touch me. And I don’t want your $50 chap stick.” (hit her where it hurts).

And I walked out before they could call security.

What the heck. What is wrong with people? I don’t know where they were “in” from – but you don’t go grabbing on people in the South, sweet pea. You’re lucky TSA took my taser. Bless your heart.

Next time, you get the Judy Chop!

judy-chop-o
In other news, I ordered the dang lip balm off the internet from the comfort of my own home, which is what I should have done in the first place. But then, I wouldn’t have this blog fodder.

Jenn Wade School of Self Defense and Smack Talk for the Elderly, coming soon to a run-down Wal-Mart shopping center near you.

XOXO,
Jenn

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